Just like everyone else.

I wrote this a long time ago and, I felt compelled to share it. I don't know why.
Now, this doesn't accuse anybody of anything, I just thought that sense I wrote it, I should share it with the world...

"I don't wanna seem desperate,
But I know you're my all.
And I don't wanna watch you in the clouds,
If I'm down here 'bout to fall.

And if I knew you were hearing this,
I'd tell you your my best friend
But I know that hearing isn't always listening.
And you don't feel the same way.

Someday, you'll see me in that light,
For now, you'll just look at me, you won't see me,
Just like everyone else does.
But it's just me, and you'll forget me,
Just like everyone else does."

Dreams

Dreams. Sometimes their fun, sometimes they torment you.
I haven't slept well for the past week or so. Mainly because I keep having these dreams that show me instances that are awful to see, knowing I'll never really see them in real life, or I see them everyday. Mostly their about my friends and family. Actually, their mostly about my close friends, (which includes some family) I hardly remember these dreams after I wake up and their nothing like little kids dreams. Their not about monsters, dragons or anything like that. It's more like heart wrenching instances when someone close to you tells you they don't see you the same anymore. I think it might be because of something recent that happened to me. I mean, -it happens but i miss that person dearly. Things get so strange when you're missing something. Do you ever have that instance when you forgot your cell phone at home and, suddenly you can't text your friends for the rest of the day? It sucks, right? You're like, "Darn, why didn't i tell Stacy that yesterday?!" Or, you have a dream about a person that you can't, or haven't seen in a long time, then that person says their gonna be their always, and then you wake up? That's how I been feeling. Luckily, I have my best friend living in the same house as me, (my sister) and she usually know what to say. However, then I realize, "Well, what the hell am I missing?" Sometimes I feel like just missing something or someone is what hurts more, not just that the person is gone. Sometimes, but not all the time. Sometimes you really miss that Hot Wheels car that your brother took and wrecked, "What the heck?! Now I can't do my race car impression!"

Well, goodnite world. Hopefully you'll dream peacefully.

Thanks

I can't believe it. It's July 3rd, the day before Independence Day. It seems like the days are moving so quickly that I, um, forget which day it is! However, because it is Independence weekend, I wanted to do a shout out to all the people still fighting in this God-forsaken war, and smaller wars that are fought all over. But mostly I wanted to say thank you. Thank you for this wonderful country that we live in. Because without you, it wouldn't be here.

The Water Was Cold...

Last night, I cried like a baby. Not just because I had just humiliated myself with an awful handling go-kart in front of all my old friends, but because I needed to. The water has been cold for a really long time and I really couldn't take it any more. Lately, life has caught up to me so fast that I really don't know what to do. I want a break, not like a nap-break but a break into something great. I consider racing as the one thing in my life that I've done right, the one thing I fit into. However, as I sit there in the van after the race, contemplating life, I think about how I feel like I've kinda lost that real drive to do it or, I never really had it. I wanna be that kid that's just so obsessed with racing so bad, and sometimes I feel like I am. However, when it gets down to it, that moment of what are we gonna change on the set-up next, I don't know what to do. When I'm on the track I know exactly what to do at each moment. I can just feel it. I just have trouble getting to the point that I'm fast enough to dive for the lead, fast enough to lead the lap that counts. Fast enough to carry that flag around the track.

Most of our problem is not having the enough money to race a lot. Its an expensive sport and its hard to find anyone who wants to sponsor a "go-kart" or a "race truck". They don't sound like big money makers, do they? But I do feel like I'm getting that drive back. The more I write this the better I feel. We're gonna try one last thing, and if it doesn't work I have to tear down my kart and make sure the chassis isn't bent from a previous wreck.

I felt much better after my baby-crying. I guess it takes some old-school remedies for some big and new problems. It didn't fix my problems, it just made me feel better about going after them.

Someday, maybe

I've always wished that I could be apart of something great. To be on the top of the world, so to speak. I reminded myself of this wish today after watching two straight hours of "America, The Story of Us". I also watched some really great videos on YouTube about high performance driving and the passion that me, and I'm sure lots more share. I love the feeling of going into a corner with wide open throttle, letting off, pushing the brake, then mashing the gas again and being thrown against the seat. Its one of the best feelings in the world. There's nothing like it. I also love hauling ass at 75 mph with my butt two inches from the asphalt and thinking, "Its not gonna turn at the end of the straight-away! its not gonna turn!" Then holding wide open, turning the wheel, the tires stick and you fly through without letting off.


That's my rush.

When it rains...

I had a fun day yesterday! I realized that sometimes its an unusual thing that makes life awesome.

When I was invited to this dance recital I immediately said I would. Mostly because it was my best friend's show and I actually (believe it or not) kinda like dancing, I think its great. The ride there was almost as good as the actual show, just because I drove and my Dad sat in the back with my brother and picked on him the whole time. We also picked up food and ate in the Hannaford parking lot. It rained like we needed to find an ark, and while running from the car to the school my sister and I got completely soaked! However, I had an absolutely great time at the show! It was awesome. The only problem with me going to these shows is: I come home and get all this stuff in my head about how I would really like to know how to dance, and that maybe I should join something like that. But then reality sets in and the fact that I cannot dance by any stretch of the imagination. Sometimes I wish I had great talent like that. Then I remember my real talent: Building, wrenching, and driving automobiles. Which, I love till the death. But someday I'll know someone with great talent like that and it'll be awesome. Maybe I already do, I don't know. What I do know is, I had one of the best rainy days ever and I have to thank my awesome friend for inviting me to it.

Sometimes it doesn't go so well...

The adventure today was not fun. A best friend of mine has completely thrown me under the bus and acts like he doesn't know anything has happened. My friend has been one of my closest buds for a long time, however, after he got this new girlfriend he's completely blown me off about everything. He doesn't even call me to talk to me anymore unless he needs something from me or wants to do something for his benefit. But when I ask him for a favor, he doesn't want to do anything for me. I just don't know what to do. Sometimes I miss hanging with him, and other times I can't believe I hung out with him so much.

"I watch how the Moon sits in the sky in the dark night

Shining from the light from the Sun

But the sun doesn't give the light to the Moon assuming

The Moon's gonna owe it one"

~Mike Shinoda of Linkin Park